Beyond My Comprehention

(Psalm8:3-4) When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?

About a year ago I woke up, got ready and out the door to work ahead of time. Leaving the house the sky was waking up with me and was just so beautiful. I went through my normal routine by stopping and picking up a soda (my version of coffee) on the way in. I then drove and entered I95 heading south to Delray Beach en route to work. Turning on the radio to a local Christian station I began listening to the music I love and letting my mind flow....and that is when this moment I treasure began. 

I found myself desiring to talk to God, yet clear words were not there. I began noticing the landscape of the sky before me and found my senses becoming overwhelmed. Though I had driven this route literally hundreds of times and viewed the scenery...this day it was not the same. Suddenly my mind saw the sky as if an invisible curtain had been pulled back revealing an aspect I had not been privileged to prior. It was as if I was not "seeing" with my eyes, but with my entire being! The vastness of the sky in its width and depth and the astonishing smallness of myself - I was overcome with an utter awareness of the greatness of God. 

In that moment, my heart was racing and vocal chords constricting as tears flowed so freely, while it felt like every cell of my being cried out, "I love You! You are SO wonderful I can't even imagine Your greatness Lord! Thank You! thank You!"

In that moment I was so utterly aware of how very much I would never possibly begin to comprehend both the awesomeness of God, much less HOW in His immense greatness He could be with me in that moment - knowing EVERYTHING about me. I only wish I could adequately put it into words. I will be forever grateful for that precious experience and for the mercy and grace of my God who can be so great and yet so tender and loving.

AT THE BEACH

(2 Corinthians 5:17) Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old is passed away; behold, the new has come.

There is no place I love to be more than the beach. The smell of the ocean in the air and the feeling of soft sand beneath my feet. To stand at the water's edge, allowing the now warm Atlantic, to wash over my bare feet, gazing out over the horizon as far as my eyes can see, while the gentle ocean breeze blows across my skin with its invisible touch - is truly soul soothing. No matter how many times I have gone, (even since being a young child), it has never ceased to stir within me the same deep affection.

When we moved to Florida 9 years ago, we went to the beach every single day for probably the first year or so. (My husband and I absolutely LOVE to hunt sea glass and interesting shells.) One particular beach we enjoy has BIG coral areas with a lot of different fish and often great shells and sea glass to find. I remember having had a wonderful day and deciding we would come right back the next day to get some more. When the next day came and we arrived at the beach, we found that it had changed! The overnight storm had produced great change and there were literally NO SHELLS anywhere. In fact, the landscape itself looked very different than it had just 24 hours prior. 

Because we were so new to Florida, the changes that would sometimes happen daily, always amazed us. I remember a Tropical Depression that had once come through - arriving at a local beach that had just two days earlier, been wide and flat, - had drastically changed. Approaching we found that the distance from boardwalk to beaches edge had become very short and the beach itself had dropped a good 7-8 feet down to the water! It was stunning! You know, God says that His reflection can be seen in the world that surrounds us. Knowing this, it occurred to me that what happened on the beach was very much like what happened, (and continues to happen), in my own life.

There was a time that I lost my way and everything became what seemed at the time, a hopeless mess. There was a time that I did not want to live anymore because  my circumstances appeared to be so overwhelming and impossible to come back from. Yet thankfully, I was rescued and eventually came to the Lord alone in the bunk bed at a Girl's Home I was living in. I had been told over and over that Jesus loved me "just like I was" and I desperately wanted to believe it was true, but I had great guilt and shame for the life I had lead. I remember laying on my back, (my roommate asleep below), and spoke saying, "Lord, I don't know why you would ever want someone like me...but if you will have me...I want you to have all of me". I wept very hard that night, because in that moment, it was as if all the pain that I'd carried around like a bag of rocks, just came flooding out, allowing me the best nights sleep I'd had in years. 

From that day to this, I've experienced God's constant presence, infinite patience and amazing grace in my life to be visible through its ever changing and shifting landscape, as He has continued to make life giving changes from the inside out. Sometimes change came with sudden intensity and sometimes so subtly, that it was impossible to know when it had actually happened. Indeed my love of the beach has grown, because through its beauty I am reminded that like it, I am always being made new.

Let Me Introduce Myself

My name is Rebecca Balko - I'm a 48yo wife to an unbelievably loving husband, step mom of two beautiful daughters and have worked in the field of Addiction Treatment for the past 25 years. I am originally from Birmingham, Alabama, (actually the suburb of Homewood), where I was raised with my older sister, by my parents - all of whom I love immensely...and I love Jesus. 

I've known myself to be referenced by others on occasion as a "religious" person, and I don't believe that those who did, meant anything negative by it. That being said, I've never really been a fan of that particular saying. I think this is due to having been raised in the south and in my growing up, it was used more as a terminology to describe very rigid and rule based (usually rude) people...that used God to cloak their nastiness in. Due to this, I really don't care for the word. I am not a Methodist, Baptist, Lutheran or Episcopalian. I'm not a Catholic, Church of Christ or Presbyterian. I'm not an Assembly of God, nor am I an Pentecostal. I have nothing against anyone who is a member of any of the aforementioned - but for me, I found my comfort at a non-denominational church. 

I came to initially know Jesus around the age of five, where I met Him in a dream, (something I will share at a later date). In my teen years and early 20's I drifted and fell into drug addiction, alcoholism, anorexia, clinical depression and self injury. The road back to Him actually did not occur in the church, but with a loving a supportive family and a developing relationship over a period of about 14 years. Eventually I came back out of a desire to have fellowship with other believers, which has been a good thing. 

In my journey it was pretty bumpy, but not for the reasons you might think - with the previously mentioned issues I was dealing with. Rather the challenges I struggled with most, were with the lies in my head that constantly challenged my standing with God and my sincerity about loving Him. I don't think that I am so terminally unique that I'm alone in any of these struggles, and especially the lies that can cause self separation from the Jesus who gave everything so that these feeling would never need to happen.

I'm very excited to do this blog in conjunction with my other blog (Fit-N-FabulousByFifty). It is my hope to perhaps meet others along the way to get to know. I am going to close with my favorite scripture; 

(John 3:16-17) 16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

I will write more on this scripture later, but will say that though the first half of it is most commonly known - seen on signs at sporting events, painted on athletes, etc...But for me the second half is the one that REALLY got me! As having had a fearful idea of God as a young person as if He were a giant thumb in the sky just waiting to "rub me out"...upon reading this, I realized that this thinking was not correct. I had come to know this through experience, but when I read the words I was reassured that the God who created everything, desired to be in communion with me - not to wipe me out. I would come to know a love beyond anything I've ever known...His Incomprehensible Love.